Murphy's cops laws
• The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke
• The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely
proportional to how long you've been a cop.
• Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will
always blow back in your face.
• High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to
an area of extremely heavy traffic.
• If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is
either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
• Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the
trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
• Flash suppressors don't really.
• If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and
your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
• If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often
than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
• Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available
weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
• If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at
you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.
• Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters,
martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T.
jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
• When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed,
he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
• If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi
Desert , within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and
ask for directions.
• You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need
a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
• Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
• From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you
• On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good
guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
• The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your
• Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get
you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
• You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop
whose nickname is "Boomer."
• The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot,
injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
• If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the
Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker
"holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.
• The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement
officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being
asked of you.
• Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch.
• Laser sights work both ways
• Cops arrive late to the scene of crime.
• The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist
• The number of people who lock their keys in their car is directly
proportional to how bad the weather is.
• In general, a persons' innocence is often diametrically opposed to how
much they insist that they are.
• Any time you decide to do something, even slightly against the law, a
police officer will just so happen to be near enough to see it happen.
• Every thorough investigation leads to confusion
• Your Testimony in Court is unnecessary until both you and your wife
coordinate the same time off work together.
• Always be sure to give the guy who complains about paying your salary
his nickel back before you write his ticket; It will leave him with a better
impression of your services.
• The further away the call is into the sticks directly relates to the
likelihood you will need a restroom after you are back in service.
• Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around.
• Cops are society's Sacrificial Lambs. Hey, at least we're not their
Jackasses. That would be the Brass.
• Even when you're not on call, you're on call. Just ask the Sgt., who
doesn't want called.
• On an extended Crime Scene, when someone shows up with the doughnuts
and coffee, the cops who usually get them are the ones standing around doing
nothing and could have gone themselves.
• If a meter maid tells you that you can park there, then most likely
you will get a ticket.
• "Spill-proof" lids containing steaming hot coffee, aren't.
• "Two beers, officer" is always two more than they should have had.
• Your Right, there is no Justice, Just Us.
There is no wrong way to do the right thing...