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The Boss Hoss Adventure

Not long ago, a Boss Hoss dealer in Scottsdale was having a three day promo to test drive the monster V-8 Boss Hoss motorcycle. For those that do not know what a Boss Hoss is, basically it's the Barry Bonds of motorcycles. Take a V-8 engine out of a car and stick it on a motorcycle frame and you have the Boss Hoss.

To humor a couple riding buddies I decided to go with them and see what the Boss Hoss was like close up. As I gazed upon one of these behemoth 1200 Lb bikes I realized my knees were shaking and I was starting to whimper. I felt like a hamburger looking at a deranged Rottweiler. Unfortunately, I was too macho (stupid?) to back out because, after all, my friends were test riding it and I never heeded my mothers advice to not do what my friends do. Still, a voice inside said "Holy Mother of God..trouble ahead".

After signing all of our rights away, real and imagined, we were given the basic instructions on operation of this monster machine. I admit, at 62 yrs old I was scared silly about riding this thing. It was bigger than my condo. My large bike looked like it could be hauled aboard the Hoss and stored somewhere within.

 

For all practical purposes the Boss Hoss has an automatic transmission with an optional 2nd gear and a reverse. There is no clutch, just throttle and brakes. "If you want you can shift into 2nd at speeds upwards of 80 mph" the man said. I felt breakfast making for an exit and we hadn't left the lot yet.

The V8 sits right between your legs which is unnerving at best. Imagine opening the hood of your old Chevy truck and straddling the engine, then having someone put it in gear while you manually worked the throttle.

 

My last thoughts as we pulled away from the shop was "no good can come from this.."

The handlebars have a wingspan of several feet. It feels well balanced which is more than I could say for its rider or the people who came up with this idea for a motorcycle.

Traffic was heavy and we had to follow a guy who works for the dealership. I thought since there was a fortune in motorcycles at stake he would waltz us around the block, nice and slow. I would have been fine with that. But no. At the first break in traffic he shot ahead at warp 2. Trying to keep up, I cracked the throttle ever so lightly and just that fast I was at warp 2...too. My full-faced helmet was sliding off my forehead, my sunglasses were pressed hard against my eyeballs, and I lost my left eyebrow from wind shear. My screams were heard for miles. Slight twist the other way and I returned to the proper dimension. As I decelerated I felt all of my internal organs slamming against the front of my body. Wow!

I did this a few more times just to see if I didn't imagine the rush. I confess I did not have the testicular fortitude to fully open that throttle.

When we got back, the manager of the dealership asked what I thought. I couldn't speak because my helmet strap was stretched around my neck and the helmet was now covering my shoulder blades. My hair was snow white and I had to be lifted off the bike. I could only mumble in Latin and I don't know Latin.

I've never been accused of being smart and to prove it, if I had piles of cash lying around, I'd have one of these beasts from hell. I would also pay to have the optional psychiatrist package which will be standard equipment in the new 2008 models.



Frank Gary



Copyright © 2007 Frank Gary